Remembering Tim

THE BEGINNING: My life has been an open book. There are no other words but to say on Wednesday my husband, Tim was taken away from us unexpectedly. My world is shattered and turned upside down. He did pass away peacefully. As I have an incredible support system, prayers are good right now for all his family and friends, me and Avery.

#throwbackthursday #1 - Aug 3rd, 2008 San Francisico resting from a hike #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #2 - 2007 at Petrarca. After getting thrown into the lion's den meeting some of Tim's friends for the first time in a round of questioning, this was the night he leaned in and said, "want to be my boyfriend?"... after a few drinks of course.

BONUS POST from January 11: "I made it official during my reading of Tim's eulogy and I'm making an official announcement here. 13 weeks ago we found out we were pregnant. 6 weeks ago, found out it was twins. 4 and half weeks ago we flew down to Georgia for the ultrasound, and as I was freaking out-Tim got crazy excited! As you can imagine with Tim's loss, this weighed heavily on me. I share because we are officially in the 2nd Trimester. I share because I have decided to carry through. I share because there's been an incredible amount of love and support throughout and there could never be any shortage of prayer, and good vibes over the next several weeks, months, and even years. Now who's gonna babysit? #rememeberingtim

#throwbackthursday #3 - Feb 2008 - during intermission of Wicked Tim asked me very seriously, "Our relationship isn't going to be on FB, is it?" "Uh, no. of course not!" Posted this pic as soon as we got home to mess with him! #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #4 - Aug 5, 2009: A shot after Timproposed on The London Eye! Blew my mind! These glass egg-shaped capsules hold 30 people at once and he surprised me by renting out a whole one just for us (which takes 30 minutes to go around)! Woman who brought us on board, pulled out strawberry chocolate truffles & champagne. Got to the top overlooking Big Ben (there on the right) I said, "you're nuts! this is so romantic" - he said, "It is romantic. and I want to keep doing romantic things. In fact I want to take care of you for the rest of my life and..." then I knew and I started shaking! He started crying and went into the most beautiful speech and proposed. #bestproposalever#rememberingtim

ONE MONTH: Today marks a month since we lost Tim. Nights are easier as I get to distract myself with incredible visits and support of friends, family, and bad reality tv. Mornings are definitely rough as Tim was always my alarm clock. Some days feel like he's been away longer and other days feel like my 42 minutes of FaceTime with him the night before was just yesterday. Arrival of the twins keeps me going. Avery keeps me on my toes. The biggest thing that keeps me moving is knowing Tim would've hated for me to move backwards in any way. We often talked about this. I continue to push forward for me, for him, for my family. One day at a time. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #5 - May 11, 2012 - Tim and I never needed Halloween to dress up and have a good time! This time a Masked Birthday Bash at The Foundry!#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #6, July 1, 2011: Visiting Ontario Lake (a quick drive from where he grew up) always made this boy happy. One of my favorite pics.#rememberingtim

BONUS POST #2 from January 28th: share publicly and honestly because people continue to ask how I'm doing. K, here we go...A day doesn't go by I'm not surrounded by love and support of friends and family--I've only had 4 nights to myself in the past 7 weeks! An hour doesn't go by I don't think about Tim and feel it in the pit of my stomach. Walking around the city feels empty and melancholy, no longer feeling like the playground it once was. This messes with me big time. A day doesn't go by I'm not laughing about something silly (even at my own expense), but hardly a day goes by I don't ball my eyes out--mostly in the mornings. Luckily I have a yummy son that prevents me from hanging out in that space for more than 5 minutes. I struggle with my faith and know there will NEVER be a worthy reason Tim was taken from us, but I've also sat in church 2 Sundays in a row 'cause apparently I'm still curious. I've gained some unwanted weight from the amounts of deliciously wanted food people have brought over, but I've started to run again. I refuse to go back to therapy 'cause I don't want hear myself talk for an hour, but I've recently joined 2 grieving groups hoping one will speak to me. I'm not looking forward to July being outnumbered with the twins changing 3 dirty diapers, but I'm extremely hopeful in 3 years time, it'll all be worth it. I know grieving has never been linear and lot of these feelings and moments won't stick and time will contribute to this process. I do believe I'll love again. Some have asked if I still love what I do and if it makes me sad to plan for happy couples. I do love it and helping couples be just as happy as Tim and I was excites the hell out of me. I want what we had for every single person I come across. And my final thought to everyone who has shown a ridiculous amount of love and support--big, small, and everywhere in between - thank you.

#throwbackthursday #7 - January 4th, 2009 - In the spirit of today's storm, I present to you zip lining in Whistler, Canada! Remember looking at my pics, then his, and telling Tim, "Are you kidding me? Even when you're thousands of feet above ground risking your life, you STILL look good! Ugh!"#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #8 - May 27, 2008. Up on the Merrell Farm! I never got tired of going up here to spend time with the family and relax. Tim 's favorite gadget was his four wheeler. Here with Laurie, nephews, Daniel and David, and niece, Charlotte.#rememberingtim

TWO MONTHS - TIME: Today's only two months since Tim's passed away. This is the last pic he took with Avery (right before I got jealous and jumped in for our group Sunday Selflie:-) Folks who have shared stories of losing someone all talk about time. "It heals all wounds". Time really messes with you in the meantime. At times, you feel like you're moving backwards. Other times it's, "Am I moving t...See More

#throwbackthursday #9 - February 14th, 2008. Tim throws me a birthday party and meets most of my friends for the first time! Yikes! It's 2AM, everyone's gone home, clearly too much to drink we decide to take our first seflie together #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #10 - Dec 29, 2011. Experimenting with the zoom on my new Canon Rebel T3i. A lot of us talk about Tim's incredible smile, but I was also obsessed with his eyes. Loved watching him speak to someone in a crowded room 'cause he made you feel like you were the only one in it. His eyes did that. And LOVED how small they got when he did smile 'cause his eyes were doing the same thing. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #11 - Jan 27, 2012 - Zambezi River at Victoria Falls, Africa - Always up for an adventure, Timfree-falling 250 feet below before we even start to swing! All done without liquid courage#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #12 - Apr 27, 2008 - Spanish Steps in Rome, Italy! Our first trip. Remember getting on each other's nerves before leaving, but we were just secretly freaking out 'cause we had never spent 2 weeks together! Turned out to be beyond anything we could've imagined...we also found out we could travel together and maybe even live together one day:-)#rememberingtim

THREE MONTHS: Today is only 3 months since Tim's been gone. I've got nothing sweet, special, or profound to say. I simply miss him more and more. This morning we visit our favorite spot at the end of the pier... — with Tim Merrell.

#throwbackthursday #13 - Feb 14, 2010. Vieques, Puerto Rico. Just arriving from a cold winter Boston trip for my birthday. Look at Tim's face as he watches the bartender make his first strawberry Margarita. One of my faves! #tbt #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #14 Overlooking in Capri Italy.

#throwbackthursday #15 - June 24, 2011 at Stonewall. Driving back from MA just before midnight, we got the call NY Senate passed the marriage bill! As tired as we were, there was NO WAY we couldn't go out, celebrate, and be a part of it! Already legally married in MA, we made it legal in NY on our four year anniversary later that year#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #16 - July 21, 2012 - One of my faves! Came out of the bedroom and Tim looked way too excited! "What are you doing?" "Nothing"... "what do you mean nothing. What's on your computer?" "Don't worry about it. You're so nosy!"..."Tim, turn your computer around now." My 46 year-old husband was purchasing the new Justin Bieber album!. Lol#rememberingtim

BONUS POST #3 from March 1st: ART OF GRIEVING (according to me): 14 years ago yesterday I also lost my best friend, my mom. She was 41. It was her heart. I miss her smile. I miss her sassy ways. Lately, I hear, "you're so strong. How do you do it?" I don't feel that way, but I made a conscious effort to grieve differently this time with Tim. Simply - be present in it. Cry, laugh, vent, yell--no wrong way to be. When you need to escape, force healthy distractions, not unhealthy ones with drugs, booze, and anonymous sex (although what's not to expect from a 23 year old just moving to NYC). Walk through your favorite streets, order his favorite dish, or pull out pictures for#throwbackthursday. Always keep family & friends around. If you want to be by yourself, go to the movies by yourself, but get out of the house. Lastly, don't feel guilty about accepting help whenever offered. You may need to be there for them one day. So far, these things have helped me to push through. I guess its also being older, wiser, and a parent just like my mama was. After all these years, I'm still learning from this Hoochie

FOUR MONTHS: Today is only 3 months since Tim's been gone. I've got nothing sweet, special, or profound to say. I simply miss him more and more. This morning we visit our favorite spot at the end of the pier... — with Tim Merrell.

#throwbackthursday #17 - A year ago this week: Tim's favorite pastime quickly shifted from watching Housewives Reunions to watching his son sleep peacefully... #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #18 - Feb. 11, 2010, Taj Hotel in Boston MA. In honor of Mass celebrating 10 yrs of passing the gay marriage bill, here's a pic from the night Tim and I got married there. On the flip side, here's a story you may not know. Because Tim passed away in Pennsylvania where same sex marriage is not recognized, The Hyatt at The Bellevue STILL has his belongings held hostage! Until my lawyer proves I am the "administrator" to his estate, his clothes, bag, laptop, and yes, wedding ring will remain in a hotel closet. This isn't meant to make people sad, but to motivate and show you there are a 1,000 reasons we should continue the fight for marriage equality across ALL states!#rememeberingtim

#throwbackthursday #19 - May 30th, 2010 - Hawaii Honeymoon: From bungee jumping in Zimbabwe to marrying a Puerto Rican Papi, Tim was always up for an adventure...this time water skiing with sharks in Maui. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #20 - May 15, 2010 - Kissing this beautiful man for the first time as his husband in front of loved ones never felt so good. Today we would've been celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary. What can I say? It's a rainy day.#rememberingtim

FIVE MONTHS - FAITH - KEEPING THE ENEMY CLOSE: Tomorrow marks 5 months and also Mother's Day. Brings back a time when Faith and I were hommies. Then when my mother passed in 2000, I gave Faith the middle finger and threw that hooker off the cliff! It was only when I met Tim, my mom's passing made some sense. I finally understood that the road and choices I made following her death (good and REALLY bad ones) all led me to him and I wouldn't have metTim otherwise. After restoring my relationship with Faith and letting the Hoochie back in, she decides to rear her ugly head once again. I'm at a loss with how she operates. Yes, I'm aware of my current blessings (can my son be any more yummy??--twins have a lot to live up to!), but currently I have too many questions and can't trust her. This will change, but until then I am keeping this enemy close and sleeping with one eye open.

#throwbackthursday #21 - Nov 25, 2013. Valdosta, GA. Our last pic with Natasia, the day we officially found out we were having twins! There's a video with this (but too soon for me to watch or share), but I remember while Natasia & I were freaking out a bit, Tim was excited! After a few jokes, he called it a blessing. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #22 - Nov 10, 2010 in Amsterdam: Remember Tim and I getting into some silly argument in the morning that just escalated. Later while quietly shopping for some stinky cheese he disappeared (which pissed me off even more). He showed up with a beautiful peace offering. You can tell by his eyes and grin he's like, "I'll let you be right... but just this once." #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #23 - Dec 15th, 2012: been understandably caught up, I forgot to honor Tim this morning with #tbt. During our pregnancy photoshoot with Karen Wise, we're laughing because we couldn't believe we were making Natasia eat from a NYC pretzel stand! #rememberingtim

BONUS POST #4 from March 26th - SONGS & MIXTAPES: From sad tunes to sweet jams, all songs are reminders and hold different meanings now. The Beatles' "Yesterday" sings lyrics I've never quite listened to and sends tears rolling down my face (Beatles - I finally understand your brilliance). Alicia & Jay Z's played-out "Empire State of Mind" causes me to hit next to get visuals of a smiling Tim running to the dance floor out of my head. "You Are Not Alone"? Avery's first pop song he smiled and rocked to--have you heard those lyrics after losing someone?? YIKES! In fact, ALL MJ illicit mixed emotions 'cause it's Tim I want to moonwalk for to get the day started. We constantly played songs for each other in the house and on the road. We fought over who gets to play the next playlist and argue over who's was better. Our 90's R&B mixes were serious debates! I even miss translating Salsa numbers into English to remind him why he should never cheat I find myself (like on this weekend's road trip) playing only new albums like Beyoncé or Pharrell to avoid emotional triggers. In my 38 years, I have a different relationship to music now. Music should be healing and will be someday, but right now she plays like the never-ending nagging Aunt who you're happy exists but wish she would just shut up and go home, or at the very least sing a new tune.

#throwbackthursday #24 - Aug 29, 2010 - After yesterday, we're keeping this week's #tbt light and airy, people! Always up for anything, I convinced this daredevil to jump out of a plane with me! Pic says it all…#rememberingtim

SIX MONTHS - FATHERHOOD, TIM, and A VIDEO (now show here): This may be hard for some to watch (it is for me), it may be therapeutic, but today marks 6 months since Tim's passed away and thought it might be time. As you can imagine, I've had him on my mind more than usual. What some of you may not know, Tim made it clear on date #3, he never wanted children; "I'm too old, selfish, and I want to keep traveling"... in a heated argument 2 years in, he shut the topic down with some real truth, "Look, José. I just don't want to share you with anyone else…sorry, but that's it. I really don't want to talk about it anymore." That was the last time I brought it up. Miraculously, he came to me a year later after thinking it through and TONS of research on surrogacy that he'd like to explore the possibility. The rest is history. Avery came and he was mush. More so as a father than an over-the-top romantic husband. AND it was his idea to have more when Avery was 2 months old! This time I was like, "Are you f%ckin' kidding me?! What's wrong with you?!" When we saw the ultra sound of the twins the week before he passed, I was the freaking out. He was smiling. As I stare at our girls we created, I miss you a little harder this week Tim Merrell. We did good. This footage was taken in September and shows the kind of man Tim was. All in. All the time. 100%.#rememeberingtim

#throwbackthursday #27 - July 4th, 2012. Tim being his usual over the top romantic self (or finding ways to one-up me:-), surprised me with Fourth of July tickets at the Pier next to The Intrepid! A fun day of drinking, eating, and mingling with strangers. We became obsessed with this girl who was eating a hot dog having the time of her life thinking about how much fun it'll be with our future kid waiting for fireworks. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #25 - July 11, 2010: in the spirit of World Cup, here's Tim and I rooting for our friends in Amsterdam for the final-Netherlands vs Spain!#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday - Jun 27, '09 - Parents 50th anniversary party: Here with David, Nate, Ellen, and Charlotte cracking up 'cause uncle Tim keeps shouting out, "it's BOOGERS!!" after they catch him in a game of tag. #rememeberingtim

#throwbackthursday #28 - June 4, 2011 Capri, Italy. "Maybe you wanna take my picture?":-)… this is one of the lines I miss the most from Tim. As I continued to document our relationship, I created a happy monster! Went from sucking his teeth when I asked him to pose to him falling behind me on many walks where I'd turn around catching him with a pose and a smile saying, "maybe you wanna take my picture?" Especially around flowers. This is one of my faves.#rememberingtim

SEVEN MONTHS - MOVING FORWARD: Today's 7 months since Tim's passed away. It's true with 3 kids now, the decision to move to Brooklyn came in several parts; three of which were financial, having a 3 bedroom, and the convenience of an elevator. Most thought I was off of my rocker adding a major move on top of everything I've gone through. I can tell you off the bat, it fits under the top 5 worst things I've put myself through. Everything about the process sucked! To have to go through everything Tim and I built together was logistically, physically, and emotionally draining. To take his clothes off of hangers, sift through silly nick knacks of monumental memories, and negotiate which furniture pieces to take was one time traveling experience after the next. To purge and negotiate what to keep, what not to keep before I might've been ready was rarely liberating, it was heartbreaking and at times debilitating. But I knew I had to do it. I've known for awhile I was feeling stuck. As I sit on this end unpacking some final boxes in my beautiful new digs (that Tim would be proud of by the way), I'm a little nervous for that moment of where I finally stop, sit on couch and think, "What the hell just happened the last 7 months?!". The grieving shows up in waves, but I knew the most important piece of this life changing decision was I had to move out in order to continue to move forward. For me and my family. To this I say, you will be missed 47 Walker. Thank you for all the incredible memories and being the place where a new family was born--The Merrell-Rolón family. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #29 - Victoria Falls#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #30 - Madrid

#throwbackthursday #31 - December 17, 2011 - Xmas Party. As tomorrow we enter the hottest month of the year, thought I'd bring back a winter pic of when Timand I hired real life Santa Claus for our Christmas party! This guy was a hoot and a total sweetie, but maybe a bit of a perv when the pretty ladies sat on his lap #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #32 - January 8, 2008. Our very first#selfie while hanging on the couch. It was after I took this pic he asked, "Our relationship isn't going to be on Facebook, is it?" #rememberingtim

EIGHT MONTHS - DIVORCE HAS AN EVIL TWIN: 8 months today sinceTim has passed and I'm still working out tax, credit card companies, property, and insurance issues. Money and fine print has never been my strong suit. It was Tim's. 8 months in, these logistical headaches tend to play out like a bad divorce, but all without an opponent. It feels like I'm playing a game of Solitaire with Chess-like rules in the middle of Grand Central Station. I have made some kick-ass moves, but I'm still waiting for my checkmate moment. I do have a financial planner, real estate agent, and lawyer behind me. I do imagine Tim whispering in my ear with every move. But it doesn't take away how my brain hurts to make every decision, fill out endless forms, and figure out what's best for the short and long term. Allegedly the key to win is to take the emotion out of it - YIKES! It's me we're talking about here:-) At least in divorce, one or two parties are in agreement (or crave) to get out of the relationship. In this case, neither party wanted to separate or get out. Quite the opposite. I imagine divorce isn't easy, but it sure of hell feels sweeter from this prospective. I'm grateful I've got 3 little ones that keep pushing me towards my endgame. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #33 - Jan 12, 2012. Elephant Camp at Victoria Falls. After a morning of riding elephants, Timand I meet Sylvester, The Cheetah Ambassador #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #34 - May 19, 2010 - Hawaii Honeymoon: Even through a 5 hour hike in Maui, we pulled off a decent selfie, no? #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #35 - March 29, 2013. The day Timand I started our journey back home from the hospital with Avery. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #36 - Nov 7, 2009 - Feeling dapper in Argentina. #rememberingtim

NINE MONTHS - NEVER FORGET - 9 months ago today. 13 years ago today. Today's hard and strange for many reasons for many of us. I took this pic on April 4, 2013. The first day Tim ventured out in the city as a proud papa with Avery in the baby bjorn:-)#throwbackthursday #37#rememberingtim#neverforget

#throwbackthursday #38 - 2008-2013. One of the things that won me over was every time Tim and I got to his parent's farm, he dropped his bags, said hello, and with boyish excitement turn and say, "Lets go four-wheeling!" Last time we went (lower right) he teased before turning the key, "I don't know. Maybe you wanna throw your arms around me, put your head on my back like the first time I took you four-wheeling (lower left) when you fell madly in love with me" lol. I did.#farmboyatheart #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #39 - Valentines Day 2008 - my birthday - Clearly shameless (or still drunk) from party thrown the night before where Tim meets some of my closest & craziest friends for the first time, he STILL surprises me with red balloons delivered the next morning After courting each other for a few months, it was here I begin to document our relationship…#valentinesday#valentinesbaby#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #40 - Oct 12, 2013. This weather reminds me what Tim and I were doing a year ago. Apple & Pumpkin picking with the family.#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #41 - Paris 2008. High on love, I'm thinking, "OMG, Tim. You shouldn't have!" Tim: "Uh, he doesn't know these flowers came with the restaurant, but whatever works!" #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #42 - Sept 25, 2013. After a 2 hr meeting with a client in the LES, Tim surprises me by showing up near by at Tomkins Square Park with lunch. Didn't know who to attack first!#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #43 - Memorial Day Weekend 2013 - a rare occasion to get all The Merrells under one tree, here we have all with the exception of 2 (out of 10) grandkids. Grateful this was captured.#rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #45 - October 17, 2011 - One of my favorite #selfies from a 2 day road trip upstate for the Fall where falling in love with the Hudson Valley wasn't hard. #rememberingtim

Jose Rolon

December 10, 2014 · 

#throwbackthursday #46 - October 2009 - Our 'Save the Date' Magnets we sent out to guests#rememberingtim

BONUS PIC #5 - HIS BDAY - Today you would've turned 49. Today you would've made a wish with two more on your lap. Out all of the birthdays I celebrated with you, last years was the sweetest. I've been dreading today since I was reminded last week by a friend who got a FB notification what today was. Another date to think about on top of the holidays and the year anniversary. I want to celebrate your life today, but it feels too raw and I'm feeling a little too bitter at the moment. You LOVED birthdays as much as I did, and I miss trying to "one up" each other each year. I did however get one pumpkin whoopie pie for Avery and I to share. I will light a birthday candle 'cause I think Avery will have fun blowing it out--a new tradition I want the four of us to do every Oct 30th. I will come bring you tulips-your favorite. Then I'm off to the movie theater for the rest of day to escape the world--like we did when you would play hooky from work 'cause something big came out. I'll pay for one movie. Sneak into the next. I miss you extra hard today, my love. Happy Birthday from all of us thinking of you.

#throwbackthursday #47 - Nov 24th, 2013 - Looking back at our Beacon photoshoot and found this one we never posted #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #48 - Nov 24th, 2013 - Bonus Pic from our Beacon photoshoo #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #49 - Thanksgiving last year at Christine's house with 25 guests - our last holiday Tim and I spent together. I made a speech then how this was my first NY family and when thinking where I wanted Avery to spend his first Thanksgiving, it was a no-brainer. Will be back there today. Quite bittersweet, but thankful. Thankful this is where Lilah & London will spend their first Thanksgiving as well. Thankful I have my New York family and beyond. Today lets all count our blessings while we stuff our faces:-) Happy Thanksgiving. #rememberingtim

#throwbackthursday #50 - May 14, 2013 - One of my all-time favorite moments captured. The man cave I created for Tim turned into his space of solitude in the mornings with Avery while he let this daddy sleep in. Said it was his favorite time of the day#rememberingtim #averywalker

TEN MONTHS - CHANGE OF SEASON - 10 months ago today. I sit on a bench by the carousel and realize this past month hasn't been easy. Hardest since the first three. Thoughts of what was cuts in front of the line of all the distractions and swells up my chest. With wedding season slowing down, no major move to another zip, and no little ladies to wait for, everything crawls to a screeching halt. Change in weather has awaken and amplified the grieving process. Our last #sundayselfie officially looks dated and now sadly qualifies as a#throwbackthursday. As it gets colder, it gets closer. Closer to the time I got the call I'll never forget from Philly PD suited up in my new Christmas outfit cheesin' it in the middle of an industry shoot. A festive shirt I bought the morning of I called Tim to brag about 'cause he always said, "well its 'cause my baby's got swag!"...but he never picked up. From a New England Worcester boy who loves the change of season, this one has been the hardest yet. With every drop in temperature, a new milestone for Avery and the girls continue to leave me with a bitter aftertaste even after the initial sweet proud papa moment. To say the least, the fallen leaves out my Brooklyn window share my sentiment. We're simply not having it. I've known for many years grieving isn't linear, so I'm not writing this in shock and wonderment. I'm simply being open about where I'm at...or at least before the bitter cold sets in and these thumbs require winter gloves. #rememberingtim

11 MONTHS - PIC WORTH A THOUSAND TEARS: 11 months today since Tim's passed. Next month marks a year. Gotta get through this month. This beautiful and bittersweet portrait was created and gifted to me by my dear and crazy talented friend, Amy. Makes me smile. Makes me cry. A pic captured in fantasy vs reality. When I stare, I think of a 1,000 ways you're missing out. 11 months later my back still tenses when I hear, "you know he's totally looking down smiling". Well it's still not close to good enough. There's something tangible missing here--those 5 magical senses; smell, vision, hearing, taste, and touch. As much as I desperately search for the sixth sense to compensate, sh*t doesn't show up for me. On my worst day, you might catch me cursing the hell out of God like I'm back in the hood I grew up in. On my best day, I'm demanding Him not to f*ck with me and hook me up with a good day. I still feel like I've got a score to settle with Him until He shows me different. One might argue our 3 beautiful healthy children was God's master plan all along. I see the blessings and I'm grateful, but personally, His master plan should've been revised one last time to include you doing exactly what you're doing in this pic--holding your girls like a proud, sweet, and loving father. #rememberingtim #truthaboutgrieving#tomorrowsanotherday

TRIBUTE #1: Cannot tell you how moved I am by this tribute to Tim from a great friend and colleague of mine, Chef Rossi written for The Huffington Post. I'm speechless.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chef-rossi/whats-in-a-life_b_4468613.html#rememeberingtim

TRIBUTE #2: Psyched and overjoyed to finally announce a dear friend, author, and colleague of Tim's, Joanne Strobel-Cort, has written and published her 3rd book--this time a children's book titled, "Sir Timothy The Dragon Slayer: The Valiant Tales of Timothy The Brave". It's about a character who teaches us that the power of kindness can slay even the toughest dragon! How cool is this?#rememberingtim

ADELANTE: Tim, one year ago today I lost you. My darkest moment. More than once you proclaimed, "Baby, every year you'll fall deeper and deeper in love with me and every year will be better than the last." I wasn't convinced the first time around. It's not how I experienced love before. But in true Tim fashion, you proved me wrong month after month. Year after year. It seems the new catchphrase on the streets when you're into something is when something is, "Everything!" Like when someone buys a pair of new shoes or bites into a toasted chocolate croissant on a winter morning it's, "OMG, this is EVERYTHING". Tim, you were my everything. The moment you vanished, that cold bitter night I got the call, my world, my everything as I knew it flew up like dust and dropped me to my knees. 

This past year, I made a very conscious decision to be present in the grieving. Attack it head on no matter how hard. I promised to honor you, our relationship, and the family we built. As I lay here in bed typing on the morning of, I'm anticipating a healthy dose of distraction with family and friends (already balled my eyes out to carry me through today). But tomorrow...

Tomorrow, I'll wake up and put our our love story up on the shelf for awhile. Our story is epic--it's legendary. I'll always have it within view so I can pull it out when I need a good cry or a juicy read. But let's just say, I'm looking forward to not going through photos Wednesday nights for#throwbackthursday. I may not post as much, bring up your name as often, or well up every time Avery makes a facial expression that look like yours, but I will always honor you. Just differently and a bit more privately. Our kids will never forget you. Still creating a site in your honor. At some point, I'll edit hours of video footage to last a lifetime. You will always be reachable for those of us who want to look back and understand who Tim was to the core. But now as the new year is starting, I'm making a new vow...

To never forget and keep moving forward all while creating new possibilities. We talked about this. It's what you would want. Lastly, our children. Our beautiful 3 creations. From every inch of my bones, I vow to raise them in a way that will make you prouder than anything you ever imagined. That's my promise. Today I will raise my shot glass in your honor. For us, our children, to moving forward. Miss you hard. I Love you always. Your husband. Your baby. Your biggest fan. José #rememberingtim

 — with Tim Merrell.

#throwbackthursday - This weekend we had gone apple/pumpkin picking with friends. A bittersweet experience as the last time we did this was with Tim--one of our last family adventures (before our last road trip to MA and Thanksgiving) before he passed away. With his 50th coming up next week, he's been on my mind more than usual. you are missed by so many. #rememberingtim — with Tim Merrell.